Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
well you can't waste a boner
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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