i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
