You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
