I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize