How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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