I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
