he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
