My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I wish you could order shots online.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
