As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
