i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
