When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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