I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
