The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
