After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
