i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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