Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
