Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
