I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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