A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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