Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
