i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
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