the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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