hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
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