Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
