Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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