im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
