Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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