You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
