when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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