Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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