Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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