she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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