Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
