mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
