So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
