Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
