my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
