I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
