I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
