I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
