everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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