grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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