My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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