my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
