Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Randomize
