My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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