I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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