i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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