Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
