nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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