hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
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