'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
