smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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