At least make sure they are 18
Why
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Randomize
