She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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