Old men and throwing up are my life now.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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