dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
only if we run a train.
done.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
