I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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