just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
