nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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