i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
