just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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