my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
