My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize