Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
