paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Randomize
